Recovering

Its been a few days since I wrote! I had thought about writing on fear Wednesday night but decided that would only contribute to the worry I felt over my surgery the next morning. Now that its all behind me, I feel a lot better about letting the feelings out.

The 2 days leading up to my surgery, I started to get worried about anything and everything under the sun. Parker says that's just what I do...worry. But it was more than worry, it was actual fear. I was afraid that I was making the wrong decision is going forward with the surgery. I was afraid that something would go wrong or that they would get in and find something really bad, like cancer. I had fears of horrible endometriosis, fibroids, polyps, cysts or anything that would give us an answer to why we couldn't get pregnant again. I was afraid that they would make a discovery of permanent infertility or the need for a hysterectomy.

Equal to all of those fears was the fear that they would find nothing. Every test that we've taken so far has come back "normal," which most people tell me is good but I don't really see it that way. Not that I want something to be wrong but I do want answers. I was afraid that we would go through all the expense and stress of surgery for nothing and we would be back at square one. Wondering why we weren't able to get pregnant.

As all of these fears (and more) circled around in my head, I began to really let it sink in that I might not be able to have children...ever. God has made some very clear promises about this life but He has not promised me or anyone else the ability to bear children. The thought of never being able to experience pregnancy, childbirth, breast feeding, all the the beautiful pieces of motherhood, an overwhelming sadness crept in. And then at the pre-op, when they were asking me if I had a will and if I am an organ donor (to which I replied "Yes, but I'm very fond of all of my organs"), I thought about my own mortality and how uncertain this life really is....

So as you can see, I was really in NO position to be reflecting on life and writing it out for all to see. I was afraid and worried and opening wide the door to satan. He took the opportunity with a smile and worked hard to beat me down. But God was stronger. He reminded me that "[He} did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline" (2 Timothy 1:7). I heard a new song by Chris Tomlin with the chorus "Our God is greater, our God is stronger, God you are higher than any other. Our God is healer, awesome in power, our God." Reflecting on those words really melted away the worry because our God is a great healer of all things. The amazing ability He has to heal physical and emotional wounds is so often overlooked. He created our bodies to heal and the healing process is so unbelievable.

Thursday morning came and I was ready and peaceful. Not to say that my hands weren't a little clammy when they put the IV in but I felt His calming presence and went to the hospital with hopeful anticipation. The surgery went well and I had as good an experience as one could have. The nurses and doctors were all so wonderful. My own doctor made 3 of the tiniest little incisions I've ever seen and they're almost healed less than a week later! They found 2 patches of endometriosis which he removed and for that, was very glad we had gone ahead with the surgery.

I had so many people praying and I am so thankful for each and everyone of them. Over the past few days, as I have been recovering and slowly making my way back to 100%, I think about the end result. My future baby. Mothers sacrifice a lot for their children and I am so happy to be able to do something now for the children I hope to have one day. I'm one step closer.

Father God, I am so thankful today. I'm thankful for the doctors and nurses that took such good care of me. I'm thankful for modern medicine and the skills You have blessed my doctor with. Thank you for Parker, Collette and my mom for looking out for me. Thank you for all the prayers that were lifted up on my behalf. Please continue to heal my body and prepare me for motherhood. Please bless us with children but above all else, I pray for Your Will to be done in my life. I love you so much and lift these things up in the precious name of Jesus. Amen.