Early Mother's Day

Wow, I have been dreading Mother's Day this year. It took me a few days/weeks to realize why I have been so cranky lately but today I figured it out pretty clearly. Every commercial on TV in honoring mothers and "soon-to-be" mothers and it made me think about how rough last year was. Last Mother's Day was about 2 months after the miscarriage. It was also the first month of being allowed to try to get pregnant again and the first of many unsuccessful months. Everyone wanted to celebrate the other mothers and "soon-to-be" mothers in my life (rightfully so) but nobody wanted to mentioned the giant elephant in the room, the "would-have-been" mother. I tried not to make this Mother's Day about me but its still hard. Today was my mom's birthday and we usually kind of do a Mother's Day/birthday joint celebration. She mentioned that she had something for me and I told her I was too busy. Really, I was just cranky and shutting myself off. This week has been a lot of relational interaction for me, which believe it or not is really draining for a true introvert like me. As my friend Kelly says, most people would never believe that I'm an introvert but I am...really. I get exhausted by too much interaction with other people and usually need about one day a week to myself to replenish my "extrovert" supply.

Anyways, back to the original story. I told my mom that I was too busy to accept a gift because I just wanted to remain closed off. I know it sounds really rude but it is truly hard for me to stay open for too long. I told her I didn't know why she was giving me anything anyways, seeing as how it was her birthday. She said that was fine, that she would just give it to me and make me cry later.

Wait, wait, wait. Me, cry?? She must not have received the message. I ran out of tears last year. I hardly ever cry anymore. I can tell my story over and over, with all the heart-wrenching details and not a single tear appears on my cheek because I'm out. I've cried them all.

So with my hardened facade, I opened the gift she had for me and got about halfway through the poem she wrote before I felt the tears welling up. I couldn't believe it. She knew, she sensed how hard Mother's Day was for me. Here is her poem:

"Mommy in waiting, that's what you are. In line for God's gift, the greatest blessing by far. Mommies are made by our Lord's gentle touch. Though the pain and tears seem almost too much. As you wait for your blessing with patience and love. The honor of this day is yours from above! Happy Mother's Day Missy! My little mother in waiting. God won't let you down, His Grace is amazing!!"

I didn't finish reading it until I just typed it out now but I knew what it was about. My mom was recognizing me as a mom. A mom who lost her child. A mom in waiting. And for the first time in a long time, I wept. I told her that I couldn't read it right then but I would later, that I knew I would cry and didn't want to do it then. She said, "I know. I just wanted to let you know that you've earned your stripes."

I have a friend who wrote about how when you're married and lose your spouse you become a widow. However, when you're a mother that loses a child, there is no word for that. I don't even know that if there were a word for it, if I would qualify for it, having only been a "mother-to-be" for 9 weeks. But I guess that's why Mother's Day is hard. Maybe its really selfish but I can't deny it. Like I've said before, I just want my first pregnancy to count for something. We heard the heartbeat, I had the sickness. I had the contractions and labor pains as my body rejected my sweet baby. Does it count for anything?? I'm so thankful that my mom understands. Yes, it does count...for something.