Holy Discontentment

For those that have heard the story of how I got started with my new job in ministry, you know that I've been on a journey for a little over a year now. It started simple enough, by signing up to go on a short-term trip to Israel with my church last summer. As I was preparing for that trip, I was asked to go on a second one in the fall to east Asia. It was a lot but after much prayer, I decided that I could do both. I knew that it would require some serious mental, emotional, and spiritual preparation. As I was sewing and praying one night, I heard the song "Hosanna" by Hillsong United. (If you don't know it, check it out here.) There's a line in the song that says "Break my heart for what breaks yours." From that moment on, that's been my prayer. Its a great prayer but its also a dangerous prayer. If you sincerely ask God to break your heart for what breaks His, you'll soon discover that God's heart breaks for a lot of things. Lost people, oppressed people, mistreated people, the poor, the orphans, the unloved, those experiencing sickness, heartache, loss. The list goes on. I am finding compassion in my heart for people that I've never known or even met. I weep for things I've never seen or experienced personally. I hurt for the countless unloved orphans in our world, for the 26,000 children who die everyday from starvation and preventable diseases, for the unseen faces all around the world that have no hope. You can see why this is a dangerous prayer, right? There's a lot of heartache in this world and I'm welcoming it into my direct line of vision. For most of us, myself included, it's easier to push these things into the peripheral and excuse ourselves from doing anything because the problem is too big, it's too far away, I'm just one person, I can't change the world. And we give a little here and there when we have extra or feel convicted but for the most part, we would never consider sacrificing our own blessings to benefit someone else. The problem is that once you see things through new eyes, through God's eyes, you can't unsee them. My theme song, "Hosanna," goes on to say "Open up my eyes to the things unseen. Show me how to love like you have loved me." My eyes have been opened and I refuse to shut them again or hide them behind the mask of the American Dream. I actually wrote a blog post back in November about how I felt that the so-called "American Dream" was a lie. As I've prayed about this and wrestled with it for the past 8 months, I've come to see the reality of the situation. We as Americans are incredibly blessed. But we've missed the point of the blessing. The point is not to hoard our blessings and flaunt them all over social media. We have an incredible opportunity to use our blessings to bless the entire world. I alluded to this in my last post. We as Americans, especially American Christians, have the opportunity, the means, and the know-how to literally change the world. Why aren't we? Because of the dream. The dream that we work hard, accomplish much, buy bigger/better/more, all for the purpose and end goal of our own personal comfort and enjoyment. We're told that we deserve it, that we've earned it. But what about the children born into poverty on another continent? We "deserve" comfort and personal enjoyment yet they don't even "deserve" proper nutrition or a roof over their heads? I'm sorry but that doesn't sit well with me. And so many people are quick to blame God for it but as Francis Chan points out in the incredible book "Crazy Love," God has more of a right to ask us why there is so much suffering in the world. Imagine Him looking down at us in our huge, elaborately decorated houses with perfectly good food in the garbage because we were full and ask why we couldn't give a little more of our "blessings" to help save a life. Would it be too much to sacrifice the biggest house or the newest car or the latest gadget to bless someone else who has nothing? We forget that God doesn't show His love by blessing us. He showed His love 2000+ years ago when He sent His Son to die on a cross for us so that we could have a relationship with Him once again. He blesses us so we can take part in what He is doing around the world and in our own neighborhoods to bring people back to Him. But are we succeeding there? Francis goes on to say "Are we in love with God or just His stuff?" If we are truly in love with God, we will seek to love as He does. Selflessly, sacrificially, joyfully.

As a part of this journey I'm on, I started to take a hard look at my own life. Sure we faithfully give our 10% to God but we've always assumed the other 90% was for our personal enjoyment. But the more I sat, broken-hearted for God's people around the world, the more I started to look around my own life and feel what can only be described as a holy discontentment. I can't say that I coined that phrase myself, I'm guessing I've heard it somewhere but I can't recall where. For months now. I've told my husband about this feeling of holy discontentment that I've been struggling with. I've wanted to do more for God, give more to people, have a greater impact, leave the world in a slightly better place than I entered into it. I felt a discontentment that was so strange and different, not the discontentment of wanting the bigger house or the better car or more wealth. It was a discontentment with a holy purpose. After months of praying about this, I felt God calling me to sell my house. Not a small ask. My husband hates to move. We just bought this house 2 years ago and we love it. When we moved in, he said he never wanted to move again and I said that was fine. We love our neighbors, we have plenty of room to grow, and it really is a beautiful house. But it's more than we need and I begin to feel that instead of using our financial blessings to help others, we were simply sitting in them, enjoying them for ourselves. So I started praying. I told God that if it was His will to sell the house, He would have to convict my husband because I would not try to convince him. I waited and I prayed. And I dropped some not-so-subtle hints along the way but my sweet hubby never took the bait. Until two weeks ago. We were at the beach with his family and him and I were both reading the book "Radical" by David Platt. One day, he read for a few hours straight and got about halfway through the book. When he came downstairs for lunch, I asked him how the reading was going and he said "Good. I think we should sell the house."

So for those that have asked and worried and gossiped and inquired, this is why we are selling our house to downsize, a concept foreign to most people in our stage of life in this country. We are no longer content to use 90% of our income on ourselves. We are no longer content to strive for bigger and better, turning a blind eye to the brokenness in this world. And honestly, we don't consider any of this radical or extreme. We simply believe that the calling of Jesus to deny yourself, take up your cross, sell all you have, give to the poor, and follow Him do not line up with the American Dream. As the song "Hosanna" says, "Everything I have for your Kingdoms cause." We know we'll lose from friends because this is "weird." We're ok with that. We know that we're saying goodbye to a picture of what we thought we wanted our life to look like. We're more than ok with that. Jesus said "Whoever does not take up their cross and follow me is not worthy of me...whoever loses their life for my sake will find it." (Matthew 10:38-39)

One last parting thought is around the verse that has really spoken to me over the last two weeks as we hold garage sales to sell our things, put our house on the market, and search for houses less than half the size of our current one. In Mark chapter 10, a rich man approaches Jesus and says that he has followed the commands of God all his life and wants to know if there's anything else he must do to gain eternal life. The scriptures say so beautifully that "Jesus looked at him and loved him." (Mark 10:21) Jesus then tells the rich young man that there's only one thing he lacked: "Go, sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me." The man walked away sad because he had great wealth. At this Jesus said "How hard it is for the rich to enter the kingdom of God!" For years, I've understood the man's dilemma. But when God gives you eyes to see as He sees, there's simply no way to ignore it any longer. I don't want to miss out on the love of God and His people simply because I chose to love His stuff.