You Say Let it Go

I can't remember if I've blogged about this before so my apologies if its a repeat. I turned 28 this week and felt a little twinge of sadness thinking about how I had wanted to have at least one child by this age. My mom had 4 kids when she was my age and the youngest was already 2 years old! I was talking to a friend of mine the other day about turning a year older and I told her that I was ok with 28. But then I said that if I didn't have a child by 30, I'd probably lose my mind. To that, she (appropriately) responded "Why are you putting a timeline on God?" I've been thinking about that over the last few days and I've come to realize that I've put timelines on God my whole life. I pray, "You will be done in Your timing" but what I really mean is "Your will be done in Your timing as long as it lines up with my timing." And I've "given this over to God" no less than a hundred times but when I think about it, I really haven't. I still have my agenda and my timing in my mind. I still have deadlines that I'm hoping God will fulfill. My sister and I were talking about this the other day because she has her own unfulfilled desires that she's battling with. She asked how to give something over to God and I said...."I don't know." In fact, I've never known how to really give something over to God. I'm a very type-A, OCD, controlling person (in a good way, of course). I don't know how to give up control of anything. But didn't God make me this way, to a certain extent? Or is this just my way of coping, my way of getting my needs met apart from God?

One of my favorite songs by my favorite Christian Band Tenth Avenue North is called "Let It Go." God puts this song in my head regularly, like He's reminding me and what He wants me to do. I hear the words, I get it, I know what I need to do. I just don't know how.

"I've been holding on so tight. Look at these knuckles, they've gone white. I'm fighting for who I want to be. I'm just trying to find security. But you say let it go, you say let it go, you say life is waiting for the ones who lose control. You say you will be everything I need. You say if I lose my life, its then I'll find my soul. You say let it go.

Well its hard enough to hear. Harder still to move beyond this fear. We know there's nothing I can bring. So tell me what do you want from me...What do I love, what do I hate, what will I lose, what will I gain, how do I save my soul? What if I bend, what if I break, what will it cost, what will it take for you to save my soul? You say let it go, you say let it go, you say life is waiting for the ones who lose control. You say you will be everything I need. You say if I lose my life, its then I'll find my soul...You say let it go."

God teach me what this means in my life. Teach how to really let it go, not just release one hand while maintaining a death grip with the other. Let me learn how to really let this go. Amen.