One of my very best friends has had a very interesting journey to motherhood. When she met her husband, neither of them wanted children. They were both more than content to stay just husband and wife, foregoing the title of mom and dad to anyone other than their furry, four-legged children. For the first six years of marriage, they stood unwavering in their decision to remain childless. However, in their seventh year of marriage, things started to change. All of their friends started having children and all of a sudden, they began to wonder if they had really made the right decision. After about a year of thinking about talking about considering maybe possibly having a child (their exact thought process), they decided to go ahead and give it a try. After seeing me and a few other friends struggle to get pregnant, she decided that if it was really God's will for them to have children, it would happen but if not, they would be okay with that. And unlike most of the stories I hear, they got pregnant right away and had a very normal pregnancy. It was almost fascinating to me that there existed situations where people didn't have to worry about ovulation tests, fertility treatments, medical procedures, miscarriages and other pregnancy loss. It just sort of worked out for them.
The labor was rough but mom and baby went home a few days later and my friend and her husband entered into a world they didn't expect. Of course, they knew there would be midnight feedings and messy diapers but I think they underestimated (as most new parents do) exactly how much work and sleep-deprivation is involved in raising a newborn. Although she loves her daughter, I knew how difficult motherhood was for her. I had heard her say that she would never have children and here she was, wrapped up in a whole new life story.
After sweet baby started sleeping better and the fog lifted, I couldn't believe my ears when she starting talking about a little brother or sister for their new bundle of joy. I had been so shocked that they decided to have one, I couldn't believe they were already considering having another one. They say that there is some hormone in women that conveniently helps us "forget" the horror of labor and stresses of a new baby. I guess there would have to be or everyone would only have one child, if that. I told her not to feel pressured by anyone else to have a second child if that's not what she wanted and she said she didn't.
Today she had a doctor's appointment and due to some serious complications with her first pregnancy, it appears as if the decision has been made for her...no more children. As she told me this, I could see the hurt in her eyes even though I don't even think she really wanted another child. She had always said that if she just had one healthy little girl, they'd be fine. But its different when the decision is made for you. I've thought so many times, worried so many times, that my doctor will do a test or a procedure and find something wrong that prohibits me from ever having children. I think as women, God put a very maternal desire in most of us. Not just that, but as humans there is an unexplainable desire to reproduce. I told my friend that even if the doctor had told her this years ago, when she had decided she didn't want children, it would still be hard. I remember there was a 6-month period of my life where I didn't want children. (Yes, only 6 months out of my entire 28 years!) I didn't rush out and get my tubes tied because its human nature to want options, especially when it comes to our future.
My mom was 36 when she had a hysterectomy. She had 4 kids, the youngest of which was 10. Her tubes had been tied for 10 years and they had no intention of having any more. But she was still sad about the loss of her ability to ever have another child. It is crazy, inexplicable human nature to want to make babies. I told my friend to take some time and be sad, to mourn the lost option.
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