Yesterday, I did my first full fast. It lasted 36 hours and I spent almost the entire time in fellowship with our Heavenly Father. It was an amazing day! I was worried going into it because if I'm just being honest, I love to eat. Its a miracle that I don't weigh 300lbs because I really do love food. I love to cook, I love trying new restaurants and I'm always willing to try a new, exotic delicacy. I had never fasted before. Well, not really. I tried once but didn't make it past lunch. This time, God helped me prepare and get through it. At the recommendation of a great fasting website that I found, I stared preparing a few days ahead by eating smaller meals and less protein. In 36 hours, I ate nothing and drank water, herbal tea, and 100% juice (not that fake, sugary stuff!). The amazing thing is that I wasn't even hungry! There were no hunger pains or growling in my stomach. God really used the experience to help me focus on Him, reassuring me that He is all that I need.
So what did I learn? I'm so glad you asked. A great many things came from a book I'm reading for work called Emotionally Healthy Spirituality, by Peter Scazzero. I started reading this book a few weeks ago and really hadn't been enjoying it until yesterday. The point of the book is that it is impossible to be spiritually mature if you are emotionally immature. The first part that spoke to me was when he spoke about how God uses pain and suffering to cleanse our souls for His purposes. Scazzero says, in purging us of our sin through pain and suffering, God "mysteriously infuses or imparts his love into us. God powerfully invades us when we persevere patiently through this suffering. Our great temptation is to quit or go backwards, but if we remain still, listening for his voice, God will insert something of himself into our character that will mark the rest of our journey with Him" (Pg 124). Powerful stuff! I knew that God had used and is still using our painful journey through infertility but I never really understood why and for what purpose. Part of it, which is clearer looking backward, is that He truly did infuse his love into me and Parker. I know this experience has been the single most spiritually maturing circumstance that I have ever dealt with.
That being said, a few pages later, Scazzero says "Yes, God is everything revealed in Scripture, but also infinitely more. God is not an object that I can determine, master, possess, or command...God is immanent (so close) and yet transcendent (so utterly above and far from us)" (Pg 129). The reason I have not fully figured out the purpose of this period of waiting through infertility is very simple...I'm not supposed to!! If God was a god that could easily be "figured out" and understood, He wouldn't be much of a god, would He? Instead of trying to rationalize why I/we are having to go through this, I need to rest assured that God is in control and though He may give me glimpses of His purpose, I should expect to never know the full extent of it. It is impossible to truly give a situation or circumstance over to God when you're still trying to figure it out. Whether His purpose is spiritual growth, bringing others to Christ, teaching us a lesson, punishing a sin, a simple timing issue or none of the above...or ALL of the above! Deuteronomy 29:29 says, "The secret things belong to the Lord our God." The Bible tells us that nothing will be revealed unless it is God's will for it to be revealed. I have to come to terms with the fact that I may not ever fully understand why but I can be comforted by the fact that God knows.
Not only that, I gained a little deeper understanding of what it means to live in the world but not be of the world. Scazzero says, "We are to live our lives as the rest of the world-marrying, experiencing sorrow and joy, buying things and using them-but always with awareness that these things themselves are not our lives. We are to be marked by eternity, free from the dominating power of things" (Pg 132). Our purpose in life is to serve, honor and glorify God using the tools, blessings, and circumstances He gives us. My purpose has nothing to do with being a mother or a wife, nor does it have anything to do with job or my career. I can certainly honor and glorify God using these things but I have to remember that my purpose lies only in serving Him. Scazzero ends the chapter by saying, "We joyfully detach from certain behaviors and activities for the purpose of a more intimate, loving attachment to God. We are to enjoy the world, for God's creation is good. We are to appreciate nature, people, and all God's gifts, along with his presence in Creation-without being ensnared by them. It has rightly been said that those who are the most detached on the journey are best able to taste the purest joy in the beauty of created things" (Pg 133).
Although my desire to be a mother is a good thing, a God-given desire, I cannot put that desire ahead of fellowship with my Heavenly Father. I cannot desire a child more than I desire a growing relationship with Jesus Christ. I cannot expect motherhood to be my purpose in life. I know that if God chooses to bless me with a child (or many children), I can certainly strive to fulfill my purpose of serving God through motherhood and the way I raise my children, but I cannot confuse the ultimate purpose of my life.
Lastly, yesterday I reconnected with a verse I discovered a few months ago. I love that the Bible is truly a living word and no matter how many times you read it, it will speak to you in every circumstance you are in. The verse is Romans 12:12 and it says, "Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." It is simple but the depth of it is truly profound. I know that I have not been joyful in hope. I have been cautious in hope at best. At worst, I have been despairing, saddened and helpless in hope. God calls me to be joyful in hope in ALL circumstances, including infertility! I have also struggled tremendously to be patient in affliction. I have certainly been frustrated and self-seeking in affliction. God wants us to understand what He meant when He said "Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord." (Psalm 27:14) He wants us to put our hope in His word while we wait (Psalm 130:5). Isaiah 30:18 promises that those who wait on the Lord will be blessed. Finally, faithful in prayer. Not hopeless in prayer or with a doubting and unbelieving heart. We are not to pray out of duty or obligation. God calls us to be faithful in prayer, to be loyal and constant in lifting up our cares and concerns to Him.
Abba Father, thank you for yesterday. Thank you for meeting me where I am and filling me with your Holy Spirit and presence. Thank you revealing more of yourself to me and in doing so, revealing more of ME to me. Lord, you know my heart and you know how truly deep my desire is for a baby. But I hope you see that I desire you more. I desire to live in constant fellowship with you Lord, serving you and in doing so, fulfilling my purpose here in your creation. I love you deeply and can't thank you enough for prompting me to focus all of my energy on YOU! Amen.
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