God of Longing

I'm reading a devotional called "Longing for a Child," by Kathe Wunnenberg. My sister-in-law gave it to me after she had gone through it at least once during her journey through infertility. When she first gave it to me, I remember reading a few days and thinking, "God, I'm just not here yet." I wasn't angry or depressed about waiting. I didn't feel like I was at the point yet of "longing." Longing is not just wanting something, it is hugely and strongly desiring something. Dictionary.com defines it as a "strong, persistent desire or craving, especially for something unattainable or distant." (Emphasis mine) When I first started reading the devotional, I didn't feel that unattainable desire.

After 20 months of waiting and one devastating miscarriage, I now understand fully what it means to long for something. A few weeks ago, I realized that we have been trying to get pregnant longer since the miscarriage than we did before the miscarriage. I guess that's when I finally picked up the devotional again and dove in. I'm fully in that place of longing. My emotional roller coaster has become a cyclical, monthly pattern of hope, anticipation, excitement, and disappointment.

Today, I came across an interesting verse in Isaiah chapter 30. Isaiah has so much insight, foreshadowing, and hope that it has become one of my favorite chapters in the Bible. Isaiah 30:18 says, "Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you; therefore He will rise up to show you compassion. For the Lord is a God of justice. Blessed are those who wait for him!" (TNIV, emphasis mine). He doesn't just want to be gracious to us, He LONGS to be gracious to us! It made me realize (yet again) that it is truly impossible to see our circumstances through God's eyes. He may not answer our prayers the way we want Him to or in our timing but that doesn't mean that they go unanswered. I know in my heart that God desires a family for me and Parker. I know that He longs to fulfill our desire to have a child. It is simply not a part of the plan right now.

So where does that leave me? Psalm 130:5 says, "I wait on the Lord, my soul waits, and in His word I put my hope." (NIV) This is the opening verse of the book I wrote on finding hope through infertility and it continues to be my anthem through this period of waiting. I wait. As long as His will commands, I wait. And Isaiah says "Blessed are those who wait for him!" I don't have a baby yet but because I wait, I am already blessed.