In my book, Waiting in Months, I talk about how my journey through infertility feels like the Israelites journey out of Egypt. When Moses came to free his people from Egyptian oppression, they were filled with hope and excitement. They did not know what lay ahead but they knew it had to be better than their current situation. When Parker and I decided we wanted to start a family, we felt that same hope and excitement. However, after many unsuccessful months, we were beginning to get discouraged and wondered if we would be able to conceive. When the Israelites were trapped between the Red Sea and the Egyptian army, I can imagine the fear and discouragement they felt.
Then the Lord came to their aid in a big way. He parted the Red Sea, allowing the Israelites to walk across safely right before bringing the sea crashing down on the Egyptian army. What a relief they must have felt! They knew the worst was behind and they looked forward to the Promised Land with eager anticipation. Those same feelings washed over me on the Saturday morning that I got a positive pregnancy test. Relief, joy, gladness and anticipation, knowing that the worst part of the journey was over.
However, as the story continues, we know that that was only the beginning of the story of the Israelites. They wandered aimlessly through the desert for 40 years in search of the Promised Land. I can only imagine the roller coaster of emotions one goes through as life is spent in search of something that may never come. They felt helpless and wondered if God was even there, let alone whether or not He actually cared for them. At times, they thought that they would have been better living under Egyptian oppression as slaves. Many began to wonder if the Promised Land even existed and if it did, they wondered if they were following the right leader.
As for me, my first pregnancy was only the beginning of my story as well. Looking back over the past few months, that positive pregnancy test was like crossing over the Red Sea. I thought my story's happy ending was fast approaching but instead, I had a much longer journey ahead of me than I ever anticipated. Right now, I'm in the middle of the desert somewhere. I know how far I've come but I have no idea how much further I have to go. Sometimes I'm confident in the direction I'm taking and other times I feel as if I'm walking in circles. Some days I feel God's guiding presence all around me and other days, I feel like I'm walking blindfolded all alone.
Despite all of that, I know the Jordan River is ahead of me...somewhere. I know my journey does have an end, I just don't know what it looks like. I can only imagine that mix of emotions I will feel as I approach the Jordan, knowing my Promised Land is just on the other side. As the story tells us, crossing the Jordan is not the end but instead the beginning of a much bigger story. God knows the trials and triumphs, the good and the bad that lie ahead and He is there every step of the way to prepare the Israelites, and me, for the next chapter. The book of Joshua tells this part of the story. In the first chapter alone, God tells the Israelites not once, not twice but three times to "Be strong and courageous" (vv. 6, 7, 9). God knows the next part of the journey is not easy but He promises to never leave nor forsake (v. 5). He says "Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go" (v. 9). What an amazing promise.
Some days, my journey feels like being lost in the desert without hope. But I know the Promised Land is out there somewhere. In that, I rest my hope and hold my head high with strength and courage.
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