Let It Go

Last week, I had a song stuck in my head that kept playing over and over again. I would randomly catch myself singing the chorus without even thinking about it. After a whole week of the same song, I began to wonder why this song was even stuck in my head. I hadn't listened to it in a while and didn't even know the words very well. It is a song off of my new favorite Christian CD, Over and Underneath by Tenth Avenue North. I bought the CD for one song that I felt was really speaking to me about the pain of infertility. After listening, I fell in love with the whole CD. Every song seems to sing to me where I am right now. The weird thing is that the song in my head last week is one of the songs I hadn't listened to very much.

The song is called "Let It Go." After I realized I had a song stuck in my head that I barely knew, I decided to go ahead and play it and actually listen to the words. So here they are...

"I've been holding on so tight. Look at these knuckles, they've gone white. I'm fighting for who I want to be. I'm just trying to find security. But you say let it go, you say let it go, you say life is waiting for the ones who lose control. You say you will be everything I need. You say if I lose my life, its then I'll find my soul. You say let it go.

Well its hard enough to hear. Harder still to move beyond this fear. We know there's nothing I can bring. So tell me what do you want from me...What do I love, what do I hate, what will I lose, what will I gain, how do I save my soul? What if I bend, what if I break, what will it cost, what will it take for you to save my soul? You say let it go, you say let it go, you say life is waiting for the ones who lose control. You say you will be everything I need. You say if I lose my life, its then I'll find my soul...You say let it go."

After I actually listened to the words, I thought, "Why would God put this song in my head? These words don't apply to my life at all." Yeah right!! I'll be the first to admit that I don't always hear the message God is sending my way but in this case, I immediately knew God was speaking to me through the words of that song. I guess when its important, He knows how to get our attention. I have been so worried...about everything. Whether or not I'll ever have a baby, when God's timing is/will be, whether or not to pursue treatments or advice, whether or not I will have health insurance. I am the queen of worry. I know I shouldn't but its my nature!

I know that Jesus asks us in Matthew 6:27 "Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?" In verse 34, He reiterates by saying, "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." These same commands were recorded in Luke as well. Do not worry!! Why should we not worry?? Because "God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but of power, of love, and of self-discipline!" (2 Timothy 1:7, emphasis mine). Also, Philippians 4 (one of my all-time favorite chapters of the Bible!) says, "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus" (vv. 6-7, emphasis mine)

And what about this peace, that supposedly transcends all understanding? I never understood that until this week. Tuesday I found out about losing my health insurance and possibly having to wait a full year to try to have a baby. I cried myself to sleep that night and could barely function the next day through the despair I felt. But I presented my requests, by not only my own prayer and petition but that of my dear friends and family as well. I presented them with thanks to God that HE is in control and not me. Since being showered with prayer and support the peace of God has covered me like a warm blanket on a cold night. My situation has not yet been resolved but I feel a stronger peace about everything than I ever imagined.

There have been many times over the past 20 months where I have given my situation over to God. Never with such joy and peace as I have right now amidst chaos, confusion and unknown outcomes. I'm so over it!! I'm done trying to control it, I can't handle it any longer! It is because of this peace I exhale a sigh of relief "and [I] rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but [I] also rejoice in [my] sufferings, because [I] know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us" (Romans 5:2-5).

God's peace is like curling up on the couch in front of a fire with a warm blanket and a hot cup of coffee. It feels great any cold day but is appreciated all the more amidst a storm.

Abba, you say let it go. What an amazing and liberating feeling! Thank you for taking this burden off of my shoulders and carrying it for me. I want to find my worth and my purpose in you. I want to find my soul. I love you and thank you for your loving, guiding hand. Amen.