Where's God?

You remember those Where's Waldo? books from when you were a kid? Each picture was a big jumbled mess of people and situations and you had to find the lone guy Waldo in his big glasses and striped shirt. Whenever you flipped to a new scene, it looked impossible to find him. Was he hiding on purpose or right in plain view but disguised by distractions? Was he right in the middle of the scene or off to the side somewhere, either on his way in or out? Until you caught a glimpse of him, it was impossible to see him in the mess. But once you knew where he was, you could always see him much easier after that, no matter how many times you looked at it and no matter how long its been since you first sought him out.

Maybe Where's Waldo? had a much deeper meaning than anyone saw at first. Life can become so convoluted that we end up playing a game of Where's God? Last year, we lost our baby on March 1 and then I lost my job March 31. I remember thinking, "Where is God in this?" I felt like I was being kicked while I was down. I've posted about how I've seen God in those circumstances and like finding Waldo, its clear to me that He was in our jumbled mess the whole time. It just took a little searching to find Him. I found a new job, a job that I absolutely love with the church I absolutely love. Its part-time with daycare and only 8 minutes from my house, which is perfect for a semi-working mom.

Then, a baby didn't come...for months. We're still waiting. And I wondered, why am I part-time? I didn't question too much though because I do love being part-time, having a few days a week to take care of the house and connect with friends for lunch and coffee. Besides, I had health insurance through COBRA and my old job that was very affordable. At one point, we worried about the premium increase, as we expected it to be close to a 300% increase. Instead, it was a mere $40 extra per month. There's God. He continues to provide financially so although I don't know why I'm part-time, it has become clear that it is within His plan and His will.

Then yesterday, I received notice that my coverage ended 3 weeks ago. No notice, no option to convert. The company went out of business and now I'm stuck without health insurance. Why did God give us a peace about visiting an infertility specialist 2 days ago when we would later find out that visit, along with all other future plans, would not be covered?

So now we are left with very few options. I enroll in an individual health insurance plan and wait one full year to get pregnant in order for maternity benefits to kick in. Or I try to find another job just for the benefits (in an economy with over 10% unemployment). I love my job, I don't want to work anywhere else. There are no other options here at my job. Do we willingly put our plans on hold for one more year? Do we risk further complicating our infertility issues by going back on birth control?? Even if that is what we're supposed to do, how do we afford the premium for a plan like that when its 5 times what we've been paying? Where's God?

I know you're here God, but I can't see you any longer. I had you clearly in view for the last 6 months and now it feels like you're gone. What are we supposed to do? I can't understand. I don't need all the answers, I don't need to understand what you're doing. I just need to see you. I need to know you're here. Amen.