12 Weeks

Its hard to believe that tomorrow I will be 12 weeks pregnant. One more week and I'm out of the first trimester. I feel so incredibly blessed to be at this place. There were times over the year and a half when I really questioned whether or not I'd ever be at this point. I find myself more optimistic and hopeful with every passing day that God might actually let us keep this one. I know that probably doesn't sound very optimistic but considering where we've been, I feel like that's more confidently optimistic than my previous state of cautious optimism. I find myself more forthcoming with the news and actually believing it myself when I tell people that I'm pregnant. And though I'm trying not to "wish away" my whole pregnancy, I am definitely looking forward to the day when I can hear, see, hold, touch and kiss my sweet little baby. I can't wait to look into the eyes of the little person who has already completely captured my heart.

Pregnancy thus far has felt more like a 2 month hangover though than the happy joyful experience I was expecting. Not that I'm complaining because I'm not! I'm so happy to have symptoms to remind me everyday that my dream really is coming true. Every time I'm nauseas (all day, almost everyday) and every time I feel too tired to think, every time I have heartburn, a headache or the hiccups (new development), I'm reminded of the miracle living in me. Although I haven't gained any weight yet, my baby is already popping out, as evidenced by the picture below! I've actually lost about 6 or 7 pounds, probably due to the fact that I only feel like eating kid-size meals and that's only in between bouts of nausea. My shirts are all getting tight, though I'm swimming in my jeans right now. No, I'm really not bragging...I know its coming!

Today we had our third Ultrasound. It was supposed to test for Down Syndrome but sweet pumpkin wouldn't roll over to the right position! Instead, we got to watch him or her wiggle and dance around on the screen for about half an hour. It was truly one of the most amazing things I've ever seen in my life. At less than 12 weeks, our baby already looks and acts like a baby! Moving its little arms and legs like it was swimming around my belly, resting its head on its arm. We heard and saw its little heart beating at 170 beats per minute! Can people really see that and actually believe there is no God? Can people see that and argue its not a life? Not me. Here's our sweet baby.

As I'm writing, I'm listening to the old Tenth Avenue North CD (I know, shocking). I'm listening to the words and remembering the place I was in a year and a half ago, even just 6 months ago. I still love the songs but for different reasons. Listening to them now is like reading an old journal or diary. The pain that I felt was so real and although I'm in an entirely different place now, I remember what it felt like. What's weird is that I don't remember it with sadness or regret. I almost remember it fondly. Not that I want to feel it again or would ever wish it on anyone but just looking back and seeing all the ways God was with me. Even when it wasn't clear at the time, my memory very clearly shows Him holding me, guiding me, comforting me. So even though I hated having to feel that pain, it makes me appreciate this place so much better. And even though there's no guarantee that I won't feel that way again, remembering it reassures me that no matter what, He'll be there.

Today, regardless of the past or the future, I am happy. Truly happy.

10 Weeks


11 Weeks


12 Week Ultrasounds

Baby's waving (or saying Go Dawgs!). So cute!!





Baby from the back, head on the left side. You can see the cute little arms, though the legs are curled under.


Baby is resting its little head on its arm. Possible he/she is as tired as mom??