Door's Open

A few weeks before I found out that I was pregnant, I started interviewing for a full-time job at the church where I currently work. About the same time that I realized that it was the perfect job for me was the time I realized that my dream of becoming a mother might actually be coming true as well. The first few weeks, I continued through the process, knowing that if I didn't and I lost the baby, I would regret not finding out where the opportunity would have led. However, during the notoriously long interview process, I began to feel more confident in the pregnancy and less confident in the timing of the job. As long as I can remember, I have always wanted to be a stay-at-home mom. Now that I was actually becoming a mom, I couldn't believe that I was also interviewing for a job that would keep me away from my baby 40 hours a week.

As the interview process continued and the competition started fading, I wondered what I was even doing. Why continue down this path if you don't even want the job? But I hadn't really thought about whether or not I wanted the job. Any other time in my life, I would've been begging God to let me have this job. It was a project manager position for the missions team, meaning I could take my abilities in admin and organization, combine them with my love of different people and other cultures, all while actually using my college degree AND serving God! I would afford me the opportunity to travel a little with the job internationally, as well as give me the money to have Parker and I in a more comfortable lifestyle. However, all that seemed negligible when I thought about leaving my child in daycare while I selfishly sought after what I wanted to do. I talked to so many people about is and everyone had a different opinion of what I should do and what would be better for my family and my baby. I should stay at home because its the only way to be a "good mother." I should take the job because it was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. I should stay at home because I've tried and waited for this baby for so long, God gave it to me to raise on my own. I should take the job because it would help provide for my expanding family and they have a great on-site daycare program. All of these opinions before I even knew if they wanted me for the job!

A few weeks ago, after much prayer and thought and discussion with Parker, I called the woman in charge of interviewing to tell her that I was 10 weeks pregnant and had decided not to continue with the interview process. It was hard to do but I didn't want to take a job for 6 months and then leave on maternity leave during their busiest time of year or worse, leave for good. She didn't answer so I just told her to give me a call whenever she had a chance. After I left the message, I went to lunch with my team. They said that they couldn't believe that I would just cut the process short when God had clearly presented this opportunity to me for a reason. It reminded me of something a friend had said amongst all the other advice. She said, "Don't ever close a door that God has opened." And the door was definitely still open. When she returned my call after lunch, I pretended my question was about the next interview and told her that I was looking forward to meeting the rest of the team.

Last week, I had 4 more interviews, bring the total up to about 8 for this position. I left them feeling totally different than I had even a week earlier. I left feeling excited and actually hoping that they would offer me the job. Parker and I left the day of my last interviews for the beach, where I decided to devote my time and thoughts to figuring out what God's will was for this new chapter of my life. Stay-at-home mom or career mom? Lifelong dream or new dream? I hadn't heard anything yet so it wasn't like I was actually making the decision of whether or not to take the job. I just wanted to be prepared for either situation.

At the end of the weekend, I had made my decision. I was not going to close any door that God opened. I prayed that if it was God's will for me to work and that if He knew that I could handle working full-time with a baby, I prayed that they would offer me the job. I also prayed that if He wanted me to stay at home, not to let them offer me the job. In deciding not to close any doors that were opened by God, I decided to take the job if it were offered.

I thought back to a sermon I heard a few months ago. The pastor challenged us to think, "Am I willing to surrender my plans for me in order to receive God's plans for me?" The answer, after more thought than should've been required, was a resounding yes. I will surrender.