Motherhood

We let her cry herself to sleep last night for the first time. It hurt my heart. I wanted to run to her and scoop her in my arms, rock her all night if that made her happy. I know it was time to let her do that, as she hasn't been going down well lately. This past week, I'd rock her to sleep and then everytime I set her down, she'd wake up and start crying. That has ended up keeping me up well past midnight, exhausted and frustrated. We decided to go ahead and try letting her self soothe now that she's almost 2 months old. She really did a great job and was asleep in 18 minutes (not that I was staring at the clock or anything!). It really did break my heart though. I laid there crying myself to sleep, listening to her. Even after she stopped crying, I hadn't. It was so hard knowing that I could make it all better (for the short term) but I just wasn't. It made me feel like a terrible mother. But I know I'm not. I know it was in her best interest. And because of it, she got a really good night's sleep and woke up refreshed and happy. I guess it was probably the first of many lessons in not trying to rescue her from everything. I started to think about how truly difficult motherhood is. I don't mean in the sense of sleepless nights, 100 poopy diapers a day, nursing on demand, screaming for hours on end like some people make it out to be. Motherhood is certainly physically demanding but I'm talking about the other side of it. I mean the emotional weight of trying to guide a little life. Making decisions for them that you know are in their best interest years before they realize it. I mean loving someone so entirely that any little bit of hurt or discomfort in them feels like torture to you. Also, the spiritual side of raising children. Doing what you know to be the right thing while Satan whispers in your ear what a terrible job you're doing and what a horrible mother you are. Its not for the faint of heart, that's for sure.