I Will Not Be Afraid

Wow. I am pregnant. I found out Friday July 16 at about 8:30am and I'm still in shock. Its been two days (though if you're reading this, its probably many weeks later) and I still don't believe it. I mean, I know its true because I went to the doctor and got the blood test but I just can't wrap my head around it. It has been two years and two months since we first started trying. Second cycle after my surgery...no clomid, no IUI, no nothing. I can't believe the surgery actually worked! (Is that really my first exclamation point yet?? I feel like there should be one after every sentence!!)

The only thing I can say is that it is so different this time. First of all, Parker was here when I found out, which was unbelievable. I told him, we cried and hugged, and then we prayed. Thanking God for the amazing answer to prayer, praising Him because we knew that He could move this mountain of infertility. Offering this pregnancy to Him, to His will, even if that means it ends that same way the last one did. That right there is why its different. Its different because its not the first time. Its different from most people's experience because for the next month, it will be deja vu of a time that didn't end well for us. Don't get me wrong, I'm ecstatic and optimistic. But at the same time, realistic and cautious...and guarded. I don't want to be like that but as humans, we have an amazing ability to self-preserve and I think I'm just so worried about having to endure the same pain all over again.

But this is a happy day for us. I thought infertility was an emotional roller coaster, I think I'm about to board a whole new ride. Seeing that little pink plus sign after countless negative tests was so surreal. Every wave of nausea, every headache, and every fiery heartburn makes me smile and thank God for the amazing little blessing that is growing inside of me. Right now, he/she is only the size of the period at the end of this sentence. Who knew something so tiny could bring so much joy and gratitude and hope.

I'm so thankful and am hoping my fear will not get in the way of enjoying every day of this amazing miracle. "When I am afraid, I will trust in YOU. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust. I will not be afraid." Psalm 56:3-4