Cautious Optimism

I'm so excited, tomorrow is my first Ultrasound...well, first one with this pregnancy anyways. We had 3 with the last one, 4 if you count the one confirming miscarriage. I'm trying to live for every moment of this pregnancy but its hard right now when we've already done all this once before. Every time we tell someone, talk about the Ultrasound or read about how big our baby is (always the size of some random fruit or vegetable), it reminds me of our first pregnancy. Of course, I'll always long for THAT baby but the feelings I have now are not recurring sadness for that loss. I think they're more out of fear of having to do it again, either the same way or worse, further down the road. I'm just so excited to get to the point where I'm having new experiences in pregnancy that I didn't get last time. Finding out the gender to personify the baby, having a bump from my baby, feeling it move inside my belly, hearing it cry for me. Ten days before my miscarriage, I started spotting a little and got worried. The doctor sent me for an Ultrasound on Feb 19, which ended up confirming that everything was fine. I heard the heart beat loud and strong and fast. I even recorded the beautiful sound on my phone. I still have it and listen to it whenever I'm feeling strong and want to reassure myself that there was a sweet angel living in me once, even for just a brief period of time. As far along as I am now, I only felt unbridled excitement and optimism last time. This time, cautious optimism in a guarded heart is where I am. I wonder if all women feel like this while pregnant after a miscarriage or if I just haphazardly threw my whole heart into my last pregnancy too soon.