Nerves

Tomorrow is the day. We have an appointment at 2:45 with my OB and will then go straight to the hospital to be induced. Tomorrow night I'll be given either cervidil or cytotec to start the process, then we'll start pitocin Tuesday morning. The funny thing is, you would think I would be ecstatic about having such a definitive plan. My type-A, OCD personality should be overjoyed at being able to know when I'll go into labor. Instead, I find myself...nervous. Anxious. It feels completely surreal. Over the last week or two, I've really been distressed about the thought of being induced. I am not a fan of unnecessary medication and I don't like "forcing" my body to do something that it should do on its own. However, I know that there are complications that can arise from letting her stay in too long and letting her get too big. My whole pregnancy I've worried about having to have a c-section, which would obviously have to happen if she got too big. I guess I've realized over the past week that being induced is the better of two evils. But now that I'm here, on the brink, I find that I have way too much time to think about it. I've never really been nervous about labor and delivery up until now. I have figured that if millions of women over thousands of years can do it, surely I can too. I don't have the greatest tolerance for pain and discomfort but I know there are weaker women who have breezed right through it. But all of a sudden, I find myself worried about the pain, wondering if I can handle it. I think that knowing when its going to start makes that worse. If it were a surprise and I went into labor naturally, I wouldn't have time to pine over it for days on end. I also find that I'm worried more about Mary Elizabeth this week. I worry about all the medication that will be injected in me and how it will affect her. I worry about her journey into the world and things that could go wrong. I also worry that there is something wrong with her that we just don't know about yet.

I guess all this is normal. I remember asking women in their last month of pregnancy if they were worried or nervous. I don't recall anyone saying yes. Maybe they just weren't being honest. I think you'd have to be completely delusional not to be worried or scared a little bit. I'm guessing that labor and delivery is the most physically traumatic event of most women's lives. Women share their stories as if they've just come home from war. And despite all the medical advancements we've made over the years, things still go wrong.

I guess what keeps us going is knowing without a doubt that it is all worth it. Even women I've talked to that have the most horrendous labor stories say that its worth it. Episiotomies, emergency c-sections, 60+ hours of labor are all considered a small price to pay when you meet your child. Lately, I've been so consumed with thinking about the details of the actual labor and delivery that I haven't thought enough about the fact that in less than 48 hours, I'll know my daughter. My whole life I've dreamed about the day that I get to bring a life into this world and now I'm at the threshold. I wondered the other day if I'll miss feeling her move in my belly like so many women have said I will. I'm guessing they're probably right, I will miss it. But not as much as I'll love holding her in my arms and watching her grow. I can't wait to hear her cry and feel her little body on my chest. I can't wait to feel her breathing and look into her eyes. I can't wait to see the look on Parker's face when he sees her for the first time. Of course, I've thought about all of these things hundreds of times before right now but knowing it will happen this week, in just a few days is surreal.

I'm guessing the next time I write, it will be about her. I can't wait. Please pray for Mary Elizabeth's safe arrival into this world.