I feel like I haven't written in forever, even though I've had so much on my mind lately and tons to write about! Today I am officially 39 weeks and 1 day pregnant. I am also officially on my maternity leave as of about 2:30 this afternoon! I haven't written much not because I've been busy. On the contrary, I've been preoccupied with am I in labor, when am I going to go into labor, when will she arrive, etc, etc. In order to attempt to keep my mind off of obsessing over things that are well out of my control, I've been reading and nesting...two things I love that actually are temporarily successful at occupying my mind. But let me back up to Saturday.
Saturday during the day, Parker and I went out and ran errands together. We normally don't do grocery shopping and other such errands together because I love them and he has no patience for them. It makes for a frustrating outing when he feels bored out of his mind and I feel rushed. But we both had some things to pick up at BJs and Lowe's so we ventured out together. He did get bored. And I did feel rushed. But we enjoyed each other's company and I took him to get ice cream afterwards because he had been such a good boy. That afternoon, we went over to Preston and Beth's to hang out with them and the world's cutest twins. As soon as we got there, I started feeling a lot of pain and pressure in my belly and pelvic. Its funny because every time we hang out with the twins, Mary Elizabeth moves around like crazy. She must know that her cousins are ready for her to come out and play! Its so amazing to feel her react to them laughing and crying and playing. She has been reacting the same way for months now and though she does move somewhat whenever she hears any other children, she does more so with her cousins. One of the best things about the evening though was Gracie. For those of you that don't know my sweet little niece, she is a mama's girl if I've ever met one. She is always clinging to her mom and I have NEVER seen her choose to be with anyone over Beth. However, twice that night, she chose me to play with or read to her instead of Beth. Beth and I just looked at each other with the same confused look. It was so adorable but so not Gracie! She wanted to be in my lap (or what is left of my lap) all night. She kept rubbing my belly and kissing the baby. At one point, she even pulled my shirt down to look in and see if she could see the baby! It was absolutely the cutest thing ever! As the night progressed, I ended up feeling a lot more pain and started having contractions at about 8pm. By the time we left for home, they were coming about every 10 minutes or so! When we got home, it sort of hit me for the first time...OMG, I'm in labor...and things are about to get really painful!! I had a moment of panic but Parker was there helping me time contractions and rubbing my back. So sweet. It didn't take long though before the contractions started slowing down. We decided to try to get some sleep, expecting some long days ahead.
That night, I woke up about every hour or two with pain/contractions or just to go to the bathroom. I was exhausted the next day so I slept in. When I first woke up, the contractions weren't bad. Then at about 10:30, they started back up at about 2 per hour. They were definitely going slow but increased in intensity as the day progressed. I tried to stay on my feet as much as possible, hoping that would help move things along. I cooked, I cleaned, I did laundry. Still, they never got any closer together. Sunday night rolled around and we opted for another shot at sleep before going to the hospital.
In the middle of the night, I woke up to Mary Elizabeth moving in a way that I can only describe as frantic. She normally doesn't move much at night but she was kicking, twisting, turning and moving nonstop. It woke me primarily because it HURT but then when she wouldn't calm down, I began to worry. I tried rubbing her through my belly, which I know she likes because she always moves towards my hand. However, it did nothing to calm her down. I got up to go to the bathroom and made the mistake of googling "increased fetal movement." I had heard from plenty of sources that decreased fetal movement was normal because they run out of room towards the end. I had never heard anything about increased fetal movement. So here I was, half asleep at 1:30am, reading through message boards about what it could possibly be. The one theme that I kept seeing was women sharing stories about increased fetal movement before discovering a stillborn due to the cord being wrapped around the neck. I felt my heart drop and panic set in. I thought surely that had to be it. She was in some sort of distress and I felt utterly helpless. I sent a text message to my doctor telling him what was happening and he called me about a minute later. He explained that it was probably nothing but if it would make me feel better, I could go to the hospital and get checked out. He reassured me enough that I decided not to go but I still felt worried and told him I would be at his office first thing the next morning. I went back to bed and was still practically in tears with worry. After a few minutes, she stopped moving entirely, which made me even further concerned. My mind went to the worst case scenario, that she had just died in my womb. I knew that if that were the case, rushing to the hospital would do nothing. She is in my belly, its not like you can do CPR on a baby in the womb. I knew at that point, the only thing I could do was pray that that wasn't the case and that if it were, God would get me through it. I don't know when I've ever been so scared. So I started reciting scripture on fear that I had memorized in the beginning of my pregnancy, when I had been so afraid of another miscarriage.
"So do not fear, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will uphold you in my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10
"When I am afraid, I will trust in You. In God, whose Word I praise, in God I trust. I will not be afraid." Psalm 56:3-4
I said those two verses over and over in my head. I prayed that God would make her ok, that He would protect her and keep her safe. I told God that if having a stillborn was part of my story, I would accept that...but I truly hoped it wasn't. I told Him that He would have to give me strength if it was. And after a few minutes, I felt a peace that truly transcended all my understanding wash over me. Then, she got the hiccups. I almost started crying with joy, feeling like God was reassuring me that she was okay.
The next morning, I felt convinced that she would be coming soon, possibly even that day. I couldn't have been more excited about it either! After the drama of the previous night, I felt more than ever that I just wanted her out where I could take care of her better and know that she was okay. We put our hospital bags in the car and went to the doctor's office to see how far I had progressed. I could hardly believe it when he said that I wasn't even dilated. Two days of contractions for nothing! He said that I was 70% effaced but that was it. I was so disappointed!! Parker and I both rode home with our heads hung a little, disheartened that we had thought we were so close but then nothing.
That was Monday morning. I was so emotionally and physically exhausted from the weekend that I went home and got right back in bed. Here we are, Wednesday afternoon, and I've probably had 2 contractions since Monday. I've never heard of anyone starting labor...then stopping! Over the past few days, I've been in quite a bit of pain and discomfort. I worry about her getting too big and having to have a c-section. I worry about having to be induced if she doesn't get here soon. I worry that something will happen to her in utero. You know me, I'm just a worrier. Besides that, I'm so excited to meet her that I can hardly stand it. I've nested so many times I can't even think of anything else to clean in my house. I just want her to be here. I've been reading to try to occupy my mind. I would highly recommend Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers if you're looking for a good read! I also started The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo by Steig Larsson, which is definitely grabbing my attention.
If anyone is still reading at this point, sorry that this has been the longest blog post in the history of the land! I would love some prayers though for my sweet little girl. I feel at peace about God's timing and His plan for her birth and her life. I just want her to be safe and healthy. I'll keep my blog up-to-date on progress as things happen. Here's hoping my next post will include pictures of me holding my daughter!
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