Why Worry

Throughout my pregnancy, I've always felt like I will worry so much less when my sweet girl is here and I know that everything is okay. Because of my passion for women and couples that struggle with infertility, I've heard so many stories of miscarriage and stillborn pregnancy losses that I have found it hard at times not to worry. As much as I hate to admit it, there's always been a little part of me that worries that I won't get to keep her. Its like a little voice in the back my head constantly reminding me of my previous miscarriage and other stories of loss that I've heard. I'm well aware whose voice it is, causing unnecessary anxiety and fear but knowing who it is doesn't always drown out the sound. Whenever I'm told by my doctor and statistics that we've reached another milestone where I can breathe a sigh of relief (i.e. hearing the heartbeat, entering the second trimester, 90% survival rate after xx weeks, etc), the voice whispers, "Yeah but what about so-and-so. Their story didn't end happily like that." Don't get me wrong, I have been able to fully embrace and enjoy my pregnancy. I don't want anyone to think that I've lived in a constant state of fear and panic for the last 36 weeks. Its just an underlying theme because of life circumstances. Every week that passes I breathe a little deeper and worry a little less. But I still find myself holding my breath if she doesn't move as soon as I lay down at night or eat something, like she usually does. Its funny because I was telling Parker the other day that at this stage of my pregnancy, a lot of her movements have become somewhat painful as she's gotten stronger and her living conditions rather cramped. Even still, I can't ever make myself wish she would stop because her movement is the only way that I know she's okay in there.

Today I read a friend's blog who lost her son a month after he was born. He had a heart condition that they knew about before he was born and unfortunately, he only lived 31 days before being called home to Jesus. Their story is so heartbreaking but God is faithful and He redeems. He is always close to the broken-hearted. Though they are still mourning the loss of their sweet boy, they are ecstatic to be expecting a little girl. In their blog this week, she talked about the son they lost and looking back to when she was pregnant with him, when he was "safe." It was interesting to see the difference in perspective. She talked about being comforted in her current pregnancy, knowing her womb was providing everything the baby needs and is sustaining its little life. It wasn't until their son was born into this broken world that they lost him. I read about how they are pouring their hearts fully into the pregnancy and feel silly for worrying about mine.

Of course, if I really think about, worrying about anything at any stage is silly. But we do it, especially about our children. We worry about their health, their future, their well-being, their development. We worry about their friends and the choices they make. Does a parent ever stop worrying about their child? I know that my grandmother still worries about my dad and the choices he makes and he is 51 years old. I'm sure if her mother were still alive, she'd still be worrying about my grandmother too. I think it just comes along with the title of parent. Someone once said that having a child is like watching your heart walk around outside your body. I believe that.

Matthew talks about worry in chapter 6, verse 27 saying, "Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?" Of course not, but we do it anyways. He goes on to talk about how much our God cares for us. How God "clothes" the flowers in the field, flowers that whither and die in a season, and how he feeds the birds, who don't work at all for their food. Why wouldn't we be able to rest in the peace of God to take care of us, knowing that He loves us far more than flowers and birds?

The other day, I found myself deep in worry when I got a phone call saying that my insurance no longer covered my doctor and that at 8 months pregnant, I was going to have to find a new doctor to deliver my baby. I wept and worried about trying to find someone I could trust as much as my own doctor in such a short period of time. In my devotional the next day, I ran across Philippians 4:7. "And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." I prayed that God would work it out and His peace washed over me like a flood. A peace that is beyond comprehension, more than I can ever truly understand. And within a few days, the situation was resolved and I get to stay with my doctor. Its amazing that God cares about details like that.

So thinking back to worrying about our children, how much more does God care for our children? Does He not love our children even more than we do? My mom told me today that when she became a mother, she was overwhelmed with the love she had for her children. In fact, she said that on more than one occasion, the emotion would overcome her and she would weep in fear and joy at the same time over how much she loved us. I've heard this type of reaction from countless mothers who were surprised and overcome by the love they have for their children. Even still, doesn't God love them even more? I know He does. He gave up His only Son for my child. He loves my daughter more than I will ever be able to comprehend or compete with. What an amazing reason to disregard the voice of worry and rest in the peace of our loving Father.