Fingerprints

I like a clean house. That's actually an immense understatement. More accurately, I like the crevice next to the refrigerator clean, I like my baseboards to shine, I like my vents dustless, and I like my microwave spotless, amongst many other insanely OCD chores completed. As you might imagine, this is a bit problematic for me...because I have two preschoolers. The reality is that I struggle just to keep the carpets vacuumed regularly and my toilets seem to always have rings around them. Never am I able to clean it all quicker than my kids can mess it up. I never get to sit back, breathe a sigh of accomplishment, and enjoy a clean house. My dining room table always has peanut butter fingerprints on it. My walls with flat paint (which I would never suggest for a house with kids) all have fingerprints of various heights with unknown substances. Today I was driving to the store and noticed in my rear view mirror that there were fingerprints on the back window. How does that even happen? I wish that I could say that every time I see the grimy fingerprints on every surface of my home, that I'm reminded of the joy of motherhood. But that's not reality and I'm all about keeping it real around here. In actuality, it reminds me of how dirty my house is. It reminds me that I'll probably never feel "caught up" with the housework or in control of my ever-growing to-do list. It reminds me of how much of motherhood is out of my comfort zone. But as I'm discovering more everyday, God likes to pull us out of our comfort zone. I'd even go so far as to say that He often does His best work when we're right in the middle of our DIScomfort zone. In my opinion, it all boils down to one thing....control. The ever-elusive concept of control. I'd venture to say that every struggle I've had in my life, spiritual or not, can be traced back to my need to control. Not just control in and of itself, but controlling for the sake of security. I feel more secure when I'm in control of my circumstances. I feel more content when I feel that the unpredictable has been tamed. I feel more confident in the future knowing what to expect.

For those of you that have followed my blog since my days of infertility, this comes as no surprise. All the months and years of wanting a baby, a child, to be called "mommy," all of my struggles then boiled down to control as well. As the great theologian Alanis Morrisette said "Isn't it ironic?" Seriously, don't think the irony is lost on me. I see my past struggles with wanting children and now my current struggles with raising my children with clear vision. I'm out of control. Literally. So what's a girl to do? I don't know if you're anything like me but sometimes I just want to hide. It's exhausting trying (and failing) to control everything (anything!) in life. The weight of the world and my incorrect presumption of my role in it just feel crushing at times. In Matthew 11:28-30, Jesus says “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” I am weary. And burdened. Why do I constantly yoke myself with the responsibility of controlling all of my circumstances? I know that it's futile yet I do it anyways. And to what end? I am weary under the weight of my self-imposed efforts. Logically, I know that I have a choice in the matter. I know that I can choose to try to no avail to control my circumstances or I can surrender my circumstances to God. I also know logically the choice that I want to make. I want to surrender to God. I want rest for my weary soul. Yet I keep choosing the wrong thing every single time. Apparently this is a hard lesson for me. Yet how comforting it is to find scripture that assures me that I'm not the only one with a thick skull. 

Romans 7:15, 18-25 says "I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it. So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!" That's a mouthful. But it makes sense, right? We're all intelligent human beings, capable of making choices between right and wrong, whether our standard or someone else's. And we're capable of choosing the action that reflects our personal conviction of "right." So why don't we do this?? This isn't just a "Christian thing" or a church-people thing. This is a human thing. Our inability to live up to our own standards is universal. To me, it's highlights the presence of a being that is opposed to us. There is a war in my heart between me and this being. Whether you call it sin, satan, evil, or whatever, the truth of the matter is there's battle in the midst of all of our hearts, a battle that puts my own personal desires and convictions in direct opposition to my own choices and actions. 

I think The Message version of the aforementioned passage states the problem and solution much better than I could. (Bear with me, we're almost done and I promise it's worth it!) 

"I can anticipate the response that is coming: “I know that all God’s commands are spiritual, but I’m not. Isn’t this also your experience?” Yes. I’m full of myself—after all, I’ve spent a long time in sin’s prison. What I don’t understand about myself is that I decide one way, but then I act another, doing things I absolutely despise. So if I can’t be trusted to figure out what is best for myself and then do it, it becomes obvious that God’s command is necessary. But I need something more! For if I know the law but still can’t keep it, and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, I obviously need help! I realize that I don’t have what it takes. I can will it, but I can’t do it. I decide to do good, but I don’t really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don’t result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time. It happens so regularly that it’s predictable. The moment I decide to do good, sin is there to trip me up. I truly delight in God’s commands, but it’s pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge. I’ve tried everything and nothing helps. I’m at the end of my rope. Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn’t that the real question? The answer, thank God, is that Jesus Christ can and does. He acted to set things right in this life of contradictions where I want to serve God with all my heart and mind, but am pulled by the influence of sin to do something totally different." (Romans 7:14, 17, 21, 24-25)

What incredible truth preserved for all these centuries. Maybe with God's assistance and my own personal diligence (whatever that might be worth) I can look at the fingerprints around my house as a daily reminder that I can't....but God can.