Joy?

James 1:2-4 says "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." No offense James, but I'm not feeling very joyful. I'm feeling tired and frustrated with being tested. I'm feeling worn down, not refined by this fire.

I found out last night that a friend of mine is pregnant with her second child. In the time that we've been waiting for our first, they are now on their second. Just in case I had the right frame of mind to overcome the frustration in that, she is due on October 2...my due date. Really? I know its not all about me but how many times do I have to be tested? Why does my day have to start with that news and a negative pregnancy test. At times, it just feels like it is piling on so heavy that one day I'll just break from the weight of it all.

I found myself telling God to leave me alone, to stop testing me. I don't want to do this anymore! That's not really what I want though. As quickly as the thought entered my head, I called out to God "Wait! I don't really want you to leave me alone! Please just stop picking on me. Stop testing and refining me. I'm tired."

This weekend at a family reunion, the first thing one of the cousins said to me was "So when are you due? You guys are next, right?" The weekend ended with a family church service in which one of the uncles thanked God "for giving us all children."

One little straw at a time, eventually becomes a heavy burden. And I'm so tired of carrying it.

"Jesus today I am tired. I need your music to come and inspire. I give myself to be refined by in fire but Jesus, today I'm so tired. And you'll come again with a shout. Like a thief in the night, you'll come riding on clouds. And finally the voice I have followed for life, has a glorious face that is lit up with lights. And you'll come for me. No more pain, peace. No more fear, release. Just lost and consumed with my glorious King." (Charlie Hall, Come For Me)