Defective

My best friend Kelly just delivered her sweet baby Kate last week. It was by no means an easy road, as she went almost a week past her due date, was miserable almost her entire pregnancy, and ended up having to have a c-section. However, despite all that, I think of her pregnancy as one of the few "normal" pregnancies I've been able to experience. They were able to get pregnant practically without even trying, never experienced major complications or pregnancy loss at any stage and for all intents and purposes, had a pretty normal delivery. I think about my situation and all the other women I've come to know and pray for over the past few years and it seems so rare to see a perfectly "normal" pregnancy. I've seen so much infertility, loss, and complications in myself and my friends that I forget that its not always this difficult.

I say this certainly not out of jealousy (not much at least) or to minimize a normal pregnancy. I wish that I didn't have so much experience with the paranormal. I always thought I would be one of those "fertile" women, the ones (that now drive me crazy) that say, "Oh he just has to look at me and I get pregnant!" (By the way, we've tried that too...it definitely doesn't work like that.) Yesterday was another low day for me, as we found out that the first round of Clomid, the first step in infertility treatment, did not work. I had put off using it for so long, thinking that I didn't need it because there really wasn't anything wrong with me. When we found out that it hadn't worked, it sort of confirmed that something was in fact wrong with me. If there were nothing wrong, this medicine meant to "encourage" your body to do what happens so naturally in most women, would have worked for me and I would be happily daydreaming about a Christmas baby. No only that, but the doctor is always clear to point out that the semen analysis was fine...hence the problem obviously lies with me. I'm the defective one. In a moment of self-pity, I apologized to Parker for being defective. I feel sometimes like in saying "I do," I unknowingly sold him a bill of goods, a defective piece of machinery that would only later be discovered to have a missing part. In his sweet, loving, husband-voice he said, "You're exactly the way that God made you."

Wait a minute...you're telling me that God MADE me this way?? Genesis 9:7 says "As for you, be fruitful and increase in number; multiply on the earth and increase upon it." Psalm 128:3 refers again to a "fruitful" wife, producing many sons. I thought God wanted us be fruitful and multiply, to subdue the earth and fill it with lots of babies. The Bible talks repeatedly about children being a blessing from God and an inheritance. If this is how God made me, dare I say that I don't like being the object of faulty design.