Longing

Longing. This word seems to be an ever-present theme in my life. It's not just waiting or wanting. Longing feels heavier, more indefinite, harder to endure. Today I read not one but two different stories of longing. It's pretty remarkable that I was able to read anything today considering I fed my children Costco pizza in the shopping cart while frantically piling in groceries all around them. It's been a busy week. Tonight I read a devotional from She Reads Truth on longing. The author beautifully listed numerous instances in the Bible where men and women cried out in longing and waiting on the Lord. The point she made was that we are always longing for things we cannot attain here on this earth, in these imperfect and broken bodies. We long for true peace and joy and contentment that never fades or falters. We long to have our physical bodies more able and healthy. These longings aren't bad things. These are God-given desires, longings designed by a Creater who himself longed to fill them within us. He created us to long for Him. Yet somehow we've entirely lost the purpose and the object for which these longings serve. We long for fame and find out that it lacks contentment. We long for more, bigger, better everything but find that they lack true satisfaction or lasting satisfaction. We long to fill our schedules and find that that lacks the contentment we hoped would accompany control. We long for intimacy with our spouse, friends and our family yet often times we find intimacy is unreciprocated or undesired or unfulfilling. 

Then I was reading a beautiful book called Bread and Wine by Shauna Niequist. My dear friend Stephanie J gave it to me, saying that she believed I must have written it and just used Shauna as my pen name. In her chapter called Enough, she talked about her longing for a child. (Maybe I did write it and I just don't remember!) She talks about the good, bad, and ugly of being the lone barren friend surrounded by 20 pregnant friends. At one point, one of the 20 pregnant friends asks her to coffee after reading a rant/blog post she did on how hard it is to remain uncomplicatedly happy for her friends and sometimes she just wants to break something glass. Her sweet friend brought her 2 pairs of Home Depot safety googles with a card that essentially said you always celebrate with me, I'm here to grieve with you...I'm here to break glass with you. What a beautiful friendship. It made me think back to my own season of fertility struggles. So many people tried to be there but they didn't know what to do. It was easier for me to just put on a happy face and change the subject. But wow the freedom to grieve a deep, unfulfilled longing with a friend that wants nothing more than to hold your hand and walk through the mess with you. I could use a few of those. 

The one thing she wrote that was so poignant to me was "I want to cultivate a deep sense of gratitude, of groundedness, of enough, even when I'm longing for something more. I'm practicing believing that God knows more than I know, that he sees what I can't, that he's weaving a future I can't even imagine from where I sit this morning." I learned this in my own 2.5 year struggle with infertility. It took me quite some time but eventually I learned contentment came not from achieving the thing I longed for. Instead contentment came from truly surrendering my desires to be a mother. It was no longer just nice Christian words or empty promises. My heart had changed to where I understood Paul's elusive "secret of being content," and it did not come from a positive pregnancy test. It came the day that deep within my soul I truly wanted what God wanted, even if that meant no baby, no toddler, no tweens, no adult children, no grand babies. And then I got pregnant. You see, what I learned from that and what God has reminded me of today is that God gives us an unfulfilled longing in order that He might fill it. From the previous examples, God gives us a desire for fame (or notariety or success or whatever). But it's not meant to shine the spotlight on us, it's meant for Him! It's meant to shine glory unto our Savior and Creator. We have a desire for more and bigger and better. Very few people take a step back and contemplate the possibility that these things we accumulate and fill our closets and keep in banks and locked up in safes and parked in our garage, these things won't fulfill the longing that God put in our hearts. As I've written about before, I believe God blesses us to bless others. In Mark 10:23 where Jesus tells the rich young man to sell everything he owns and give to the poor, we see Him modeling the fulfillment that comes from using our wealth to bless others. He goes on to say how difficult it is for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven. And lastly that longing for intimacy will always be partially unfulfilled when said intimacy is between two imperfect, broken, sinful people. The only way that that hole in our soul, our longing for fulfillment, will ever be filled is if it is filled with intimacy with the Creator. True relationship with the Messiah. 

When I read things like this, I often pray that God would search my soul and reveal in me any place that's off. Tonight He said that it was in this current season of downsizing and moving. How can that be? I'm doing the opposite of seeking more, bigger, and better. I'm seeking less, smaller, and filled with mediocrity! But God quickly revealed that there are longings I'm trying to fulfill, even while doing His will, that don't serve Him fully or give Him full reign in my heart. Here's what He showed me:

-He's given me a heart that longs for peace and I'm seeking a smaller house with less of everything in hopes of peace. 

-He's given me a heart that longs for order and control and I'm seeking a smaller space with less things in the space in order to get control. 

-He's given me a heart that desires comfort and I'm seeking a more cozy home, less pretentious, that feels more comfortable to everyone in it. 

-He's given me a heart that desires security, including financial security, and I'm seeking a house that costs much less in order to have more financial freedom to do more for others. 

To most people, these all seem like really great things. Why would God take issue with you giving away more and helping out your neighbor? He doesn't. What He does take issue with is anytime we try to fill a God-sized problem with a human-sized solution. God wants peace for me but true peace comes from Him and Him alone. It's the same with comfort and security. It's like when I was struggling with infertility and finally said "Ok fine God, I will surrender being a mom to you. If it's not your will for me to get pregnant, I'll just adopt." And then I imagine Him chuckling and saying "oh sweet girl, you're not quite there yet." He wanted my heart to cry out I want you and your will even if it's the exact opposite of what I think I want! Bingo. God wants our hearts' desires to be for Him and Him alone. 

So as I sit in my big, beautiful, semi-pretentious, unbelievably messy house, instead of longing for what's next (the cute little uncluttered house with a cute little mortgage and a space for missionaries to stay when they're home on respite) I will focus my longing on Him. The only one who can meet all of my needs, and fulfill my endless longing. 

"I wait for the Lord, my whole being waits, and in his word I put my hope."

Psalm 130:5