Break My Heart

Its been a full week since I returned from my trip to east Asia. I am unpacked, recovered from jetlag, and back in the normal cadence of life here with my family. What seemed like such a long trip at the time feels like a blink now. All week long, everyone I know has been calling, texting, stopping by and they all want to know one thing: how was your trip? The short answer, which is what most people are looking for, is that it was life-changing. And life-giving. And I feel like I haven't even begun to process it. All week, I've been trying to find time to sit down and really process all that I experienced there and how it has changed me and what God wants to do with that change. There's a big problem there. Did you catch it? I've been trying to find time. I have not made time. Don't get me wrong, this week has come with an incredible amount of distractions, some good and some really not good. As I was focused on the many distractions, my sweet friend Stephanie helped me to see that the distractions were accomplishing exactly what they were intended for...keeping me from processing my trip. If you don't know spiritual warfare and if you can't recognize the attacks of the enemy, we need to talk. It is real and it is constant. The battle this week that has kept me from holy purposes was in the form of my kids' behavior. Of course, when you leave your kids with grandparents for two weeks, you know to expect a certain level of bad behavior upon your return. However, this was beyond normal. This was behavior so atrocious that I cried out to God, asking Him how I could possibly continue to pursue trips like these when I have to return to this? Wow wouldn't that be a win for the enemy. Keep me home, keep me from doing good around the world, from loving God's people, from shining the light of Jesus, from coming home from each one forever changed. The enemy had a foothold and he took it. Thankfully, my community of believers won't allow that sort of thing to happen. My husband, my friends, my family all helped me to realize that this was a very targeted attack. And you know what happened next? It stopped. As soon as I recognized it for what it was and began praying against it, it stopped. The battle wages on but praise God the war has already been won.


Now (miraculously) I am sitting alone in a quiet and clean house. (That never happens!) I'm not even sure that I know where to start. I guess I'll start where I've been starting...my trip was amazing, life-changing and life-giving. I'm not sure yet in exactly what way it was life-changing but I know that it was. For today, I'll start with what can be called my first installment of life-change.


On day 2 of working in the orphanage, my heart was broken for a little boy whom I named Isaac. For those that don't know, you can read Genesis 17-18 for the significance of the name Isaac but for now, suffice it to say that it means "he laughs." That's exactly what this little guy did. Despite his circumstances, he was full of joy and laughter. I fell in love with him in one day and wondered how anyone could've given him up. I wept as I walked back to my hotel because I knew I only had 5 more days with him. I did the only thing I could do at that point...I prayed. My prayer was simple: God please let me love these sweet babies fully while I'm here and then be able to fully leave when the time comes. I ended up falling in love with one more sweet guy that week and I loved them both (as well as the other babies in my care) with my entire heart. And then I left, with my entire heart still in tact. Sort of. I cried when I said goodbye but not once have I felt the need to pursue getting either one of those babies into my family. God was incredibly faithful and He showed me an incredible truth. We should not be afraid of a broken heart. Ever since I decided to go on this trip, my prayer has been that God would break my heart for what breaks His. He has certainly answered that prayer! He has broken my heart for His people around the world over and over again. The amazing thing is that I always seem to come out of it with a greater capacity to love. It is as if He breaks my human heart of flesh and fills in the gaps of brokenness with Himself. As humans, we are trained to believe that brokenness is always a bad thing. If you're broken, you need to be fixed. If you're broken, you've hit the end of the road. If you're broken, you're damaged goods. But the truth of the matter is that brokenness is the beginning of true surrender. Brokenness brings us to the end of self and therefore, the beginning of God's perfect grace. James 1:27 says religion that God considers pure is that which looks after the widows and orphans in their distress, and keeps oneself from being polluted by this world. In following this calling to the other side of the globe, God has broken my heart for the plight of the orphan and healed that brokenness with a love for the orphan that I never knew existed. My self-righteous but well-intentioned love for the orphan would say "Take this one in! Provide a better life for this child. Do him/her a favor." However, God's perfect love for the orphan says "You are loved. (John 3:16) Though your mother and father may forsake you, I never will. (Psalms 27:10) You are precious (Luke 12:24), my treasured possession. (Exodus 19:5)" Do you see the difference? The first love is not bad. Nobody would talk down on that love, to take in an orphan. But the second is better. The first love says "I love you because you need me." The second love says "I love you because you are precious in the sight of my Creator and my Savior." It took me stepping out of my comfort zone and welcoming brokenness to learn the difference. Thankfully this lesson has not just been for our definition of the orphan. Aren't we all orphans? We've all been adopted into the family of Christ and we're all still waiting for our forever home in heaven. How much better would it be to look at everyone through the lens that God uses, and then to simply love them because He does.