For whatever reason, today God would like for me to share my secret struggle with joy. It started about 2.5 years ago. I used to keep a line-a-day journal, which incidentally I loved but rarely find time to keep up with anymore. As I look back on it, I can see hints of losing my joy slowly, day by day. I can see where I was seeking joy and contentment regularly and often falling short. Looking back, I also see that it had nothing to do with circumstances. I wasn't less joyful because my life had taken a sudden downturn. In fact, most of my struggle started when circumstances were favorable beyond belief. We found out I was pregnant with my son, we finally sold our house, my husband's business was doing exceptionally well, we went on our first mission trip together. Yet somehow, I found my joy slowly but surely depleting. Looking back, it was almost as if each new circumstance that should've brought joy instead set me back one more step. Finally after a few months, I gave in and allowed my doctor to call it depression and put me on an antidepressant. I felt ashamed. I believed so many lies that plague every Christian that battles depression. Where is God? Why can't I be happy? Why can't I pray my way out of this? Believe my way out of this? Will myself out of this? There must be something wrong with me. There must be something wrong with my faith. Then I understood the concept of "battling" depression. I was fighting something that didn't fight fair. I was battling something that struck most unexpectedly, always without warning, and never with any respect or consideration of my faith or circumstances.
After about 6 months of being on antidepressants, I decided I didn't need them anymore because I was "better." I went off and after a few months of imagined bliss from my miraculous healing, it came back. The battle against hopelessness. I didn't feel sad, just without hope and direction. So after a few months, I decided to try a different antidepressant. Once again, I saw a relief from the battle but never a victor in the war. And once again, I decided after a few months to go off of that as well. And that's where I've been for the past few months. I can see now that a lot of it was postpartum. And it's a very real struggle, one that has nothing to do with loving your child or questioning your decision to have a child or anything circumstantial. It was a physical thing, an imbalance. But for me, there was more to it. I know this because looking back, I can see that it started well before those crazy little pregnancy hormones started messing with things. My question, my prayer, my pleading to the Lord was this: why am I not happy when I have everything I've ever wanted? I feel like the answer to that could be an entire blog in and of itself, not just one post. But I'll spare you that. The long and the short answer to the question I've struggled with for the past few years is misdirection.
I have actually probably struggled with misdirection my entire life in one way or another, but it wasn't until recently that that lack of correct intention led me down a dead end street. I think that for years I was seeking joy instead of seeking the One who embodies joy. I was trying to fill myself with the Fruit of the Spirit instead of allowing the Spirit to produce good fruit in me. Galatians 5:22-23 says "the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control." I wanted all of those things in my life so badly that I sought with all my heart and strength to produce them in myself. I wanted to be a more loving, joyful, and patient mother. I wanted to be a kinder, better, more joyful spouse. I wanted to be filled with peace and faith and self-control. And so, like any good first-born, perfectionist, control freak would, I sougt out to produce these things in myself. I decided even if I didn't "feel" joyful or loving, I would force it. Or fake it. But as you might imagine, it produced no more fruit than the silk plant in my office. Authentic fruit cannot come manufactured from something man-made. Trust me, if it could, I would've produced it from all my effort. But since when has God ever wanted our "effort?" Oh the struggles of a performance-based acceptance Christian.
It wasn't until recently that I realized I was seeking the wrong things. I was doing the wrong things. God produces fruit, not us. It's written there in black and white, the fruit of the SPIRIT, not the fruit of self-righteousness, self-effort, or vain ambition. We can't produce the fruit of the Spirit within ourselves any more than my fake plant can produce an apple. What does that mean for my struggle with joy? As far as I can tell, it's multi-faceted.
First, the Bible does not say "seek joy and find it." It does however say that if we seek God, we will find him. Deuteronomy 4:29 says "But if from there you seek the Lord your God, you will find him if you seek him with all your heart and with all your soul." Not only that, Matthew 6:33 says "But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." The mistake I've made time and time again is thinking that I've already "found" God so all these things should just always be mine. But I know that like any good relationship, I must continue to pursue Him, to seek Him in order to continue to find Him in all of my life's circumstances.
Second, we must learn (in some cases over and over and over again!) to surrender ourselves to God and His will. I've been trying to control and gain something on my own accord that can only come from the Holy Spirit. I've been trying to bear my own fruit.
Lastly, I learned that if you are in need of professional and/or medical help for depression, you cannot "pray your way out of it." There are times when medical intervention is the only thing that can bring our heads and our emotions back to neutral so that we can begin seeking God better. I'm so thankful for the numerous Christian women in my life that have shared their struggle with depression with me in a way that helped me learn that lesson more easily.
It might sound like I have it all figured out. I don't. Honestly, I don't even know if I'm really that close. I do know that once I changed my focus from finding joy to seeking God, both of these have become more within my reach. I see more fruit in my life sitting back and enjoying fellowship with the Lord than I ever did by my own vain attempts to produce. It's when I sit quietly at my perfect Father's feet and simply rest in His presence that I feel His love and peace and perfect joy overcome me. And it is only out of the abundance I receive from Him that I am able to overflow to others.
"At that time Jesus, full of joy through the Holy Spirit, said, “I praise you, Father, Lord of heaven and earth." (Luke 10:21, emphasis mine)
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