The Fourth Child

Last week on my road trip, I spent the night with Parker's cousin Loren and her family. Her and her husband David have 3 sweet boys ages 12, 9 and 5. I loved spending time with their family and watching how Loren and David are nurturing the boys and teaching them to love the Lord, respect others and live lives of character. She had asked how things were going and I told her same ole, same ole. She told me a story about her own pregnancy loss. Her and David had the first 2 boys and decided that they were done. The had always talked about just having 2 and they considered themselves very blessed to have 2 healthy children. A few years after the second one was born, Loren found out that she was pregnant again. Even though they weren't expecting to have any more children, they were thrilled and started getting excited about being a family of 5. At 12 weeks, just when she thought she was out of the woods, they were heartbroken to find out that she was miscarrying. They tried to reconcile their feelings by saying that it was okay since they had always just wanted 2 anyways. However, Loren couldn't shake her desire to have one more. So she prayed that God would bless them with one more child and they did, William Jackson. He is a such a sweet little blessing and I know, as well as she does, that he is the reason that God didn't allow them to keep their third pregnancy.

As she told me that story, it reminded me of my own mom's miscarriage story. She had a miscarriage 6 weeks before getting pregnant with me and knows that I am the reason God didn't allow her to keep the first one. Stories like these really are sweet and its nice to be able find consolation during those difficult times. In fact, for the first few months after my miscarriage, I kept thinking about the child God would give me instead of the one I lost. I was so optimistic that the reason I endured such heartache was to pave the way for the next child, the one that wouldn't have been otherwise. However, as the months went by with one disappointing end after another, I realized that might not be the reason. As Loren told that story, I told her how much I loved it for her but at this point, that's not how my story would look. It has been exactly 16 months to the day since my miscarriage. The baby I lost would be 9 months old tomorrow, plenty of time for another child since then or to at least be pregnant by now. I told her that it didn't mean I didn't feel purpose in our loss by just that what I originally thought might be a purpose no longer held true. So she asked me how many kids we wanted. I told her that we'll take what we can get at this point but we were thinking about 4. We're both the oldest of four and we love big families. Then Loren said, "You'll know when you have your fourth child." I didn't know what she meant at first but then she clarified, saying "When you have your fourth child, the child you would not have had if you had been able to keep the first one, you'll know." I had never thought of it that way but what am amazing perspective. She was right, I would've stopped at 4 children regardless of the how the first pregnancy turned out.

I don't know if/when God will bless me with my first child, let alone my fourth child. I do know that I will cherish every second with my children. I looked at the calendar the other day and counted 26 months that we've tried to conceive and haven't. God has said no to us 26 times. When He finally says yes, I will not take it for granted. Not to say that I will love my children any more than other women do, more than women who haven't faced the trials I have. Not to say that there aren't women out there who got pregnant right away without problem who don't cherish everything their child does. I can't even say that I will be a "better" mother than those who never struggled and lost. I do know that I will be a good, attentive and loving mother because I have longed for, yearned for and prayed for my children for years. I love my children now, with all my heart, and I haven't even met them yet.