Lately I've been struggling with what I can only describe as feeling spiritually parched. I'm not really sure what it is but I've really been feeling as if my soul is thirsting for more out of my relationship with Jesus. I don't necessarily feel distant from Him. More like right now, we're just coexisting but not thriving. Like couples that have been married for years that begin to transform into exceptional roommates but little more, lacking the intimacy and passion they once had. I go to church, I listen to worship music daily, I read books, I go to small group, I engage in deep converstaion about spiritual truths with friends, I talk to Mary Elizabeth about Jesus. Yet something seems like its missing. Even the most touching book or conversation only lights a spark, not the burning flame I am seeking.
This morning, Mary Elizabeth and I had to leave the house for about an hour while someone came to show it (yes, still on the market). I was going to go on a walk but just as a looked outside to check the weather, it started to sprinkle. I called my sister-in-law to see if her and the twins were available for an impromptu play date. However, the kids were at school and she was grocery shopping. I called my mother-in-law but she didn't answer. Three strikes on trying to find something to do for an hour. Then I called my dear friend Kelly. She said that her daughter was at the babysitter's for the day. So much for that play date option. But she told me to come over anyways, just to hang out and have a cup of coffee. When I got there, we started chatting and catching up. I had mentioned to her last week about how I was feeling spiritually dry and she brought it up again today, asking if I had figured out the problem yet. I told her that I hadn't figured out the solution but was feeling the problem more and more and still struggled to understand.
I explained how I get plenty of sleep at night now that my daughter is sleeping 12 hours straight (praise God!). I told her how I feel good about my commitments and don't feel spread thin anymore like I did a few months ago when I was doing contract work. I confessed that I have time for spiritual disciplines like regular time in the Bible and quiet time with God. Yet for some reason, I just don't do them. I told her how I just didn't understand why I was struggling with making my relationship with God a priority. She got a big smile on her face and jumped up to grab a book off of her shelf.
As she flipped through her prayer journal, she eventually found the entry she was looking for. It said something along the lines of this: God, I haven't written in this in a while. I got 9 hours of sleep last night yet somehow I'm still exhausted. I have a long list of chores that need to be done, yet all I want to do is rest in You. Help me feel you. Help me rest in you.
Then she laughed, did a little math in her head and told me that that entry was written when her daughter Kate was exactly the same age that Mary Elizabeth is now. Crazy. What makes it so hard to understand is that for the first time in about 7 months, I am getting plenty of rest, Mary Elizabeth is on a very predicatble schedule that allows me to get things done, AND all my other commitments are at a manageable level. In other words, I'm well-rested and have margin in my schedule. However, I somehow still feel exhausted all the time.
Kelly reassured me that it gets better as they get older, which was good to hear. But she only has one child and probably won't have any more. What happens when just as I'm starting to get back into a growing relationship wth God, baby #2 comes along? And #3? And good Lord willing #4?? Does that mean I have another 8-10 years of spiritual stagnancy? How do you nuture a relationship with God when your mind is going in one hundred different directions? Don't get me wrong, I'm still head over heels in love with my Savior...I just long for more.
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