Comfort for the Weary

After almost 4 years of motherhood, you learn a lot. I wouldn't give myself veteran status quite yet but I feel like I'm head and shoulders above where I was when I started. You learn a lot about yourself and your new lifelong title of mom. Things like silence is golden....unless your toddler is awake and unattended. In that case, silence will result in frustration, elbow grease, and approximately 4-5 Clorox wipes. Also, God tricks us into having multiple children by sending the easy one first....so I've heard, both of mine are angels. 😳 I've learned that I will spend an annoyingly high amount of time and patience looking for one shoe, the only friend she wants to sleep with, and the 100th matchbox car that will finally make the division of cars "fair." I've also learned that I'm too big to sleep in a crib with my son but that doesn't ever stop me from doing it, that sometimes when your 20 month old brings you a present first thing in the morning it will end up being cat poop, and there will never be a harsher critic of your cooking than your 3 year old. Aren't life lessons fun? Once thing I've learned about myself in the last couple weeks is that I can function on lack of sleep and I can also function in high stress situations; however, I cannot function on BOTH simultaneously. Enter the holidays. 

The holidays are stressful for everyone. On top of the normal stress of the holidays, I had an over-committed sewing business I was wrapping up, a new job I was training for and starting, and a cross-country trip the week before Christmas with two toddlers. And insomnia, an ongoing battle that I seem to always be losing. By the time Christmas Day was actually here, I was wound up so tight that it was only a matter of time before it all came unraveled. And unravel it did, at least twice. Bless my sweet husband and his patience with me through my self-induced mental breakdowns. I'm about to get real so no judgement, okay? Sometimes when you're raising two little loves that are only 22 months apart, and maybe you're a little bit of a perfectionist control freak, the simple day-to-day issues can become a little overwhelming. It's like that movie Groundhog Day where he just kept repeating the same day over and over again. At first it was intriguing and entertaining. But by the end, it became like mental torture trying to figure out the key to moving on to the next day. Most of my days are spent feeding the crazies, cleaning up after the crazies, playing referee for their ongoing toy war, and disciplining her for pestering him and him for hitting her when he's finally had enough of the pestering. This is what motherhood is, at least what I've seen of it thus far. These early years are tough and most moms will sugar coat it with "it's all worth it" and "I'm so thankful for the mess/chaos/noise because of the little ones that bring those things." Of course those things are true but I don't think I'm making unfair assumptions in saying that all moms have their breaking point, where they throw their arms in the air and say "Enough! I need a break!" We vent, take a breather, run a mile (so I've heard), get a pedicure, have a girls night, drink some wine, take a bath, read a book, whatever makes us feel human and sane again. And that brief refresher is enough to tackle the next day. I had one of those days this week. 

I'll start by saying that I don't like to cry. I don't consider myself a crier. Yet somehow my husband walked in on me crying on the edge of the bed, in frustration, over a particularly stressful day. As I sat there letting it all out (I'm talking ugly crying here), I glanced over at my nightstand and saw a stack of books that have been sitting collecting dust for months, two of which are Bibles. I do read my Bible, just not these two. I have my Bible app on my phone, which is probably my main one for reading, followed by my women's study Bible and my Noteworthy Bible. But on my nightstand there's a student Bible I've had since I was in middle school and a pretty little blue pocket Bible with my name embossed on the front that my husband got me for Christmas many years ago. (Amazing to think that there are still places around the world where Christians can be put to death for reading a Bible and I take for granted the freedom to have multiple copies collecting dust around my house.) Anyways, as I sat on the edge of my bed crying out to God for His presence and peace in this trying season of life, I heard a still small voice tell me to pick up the small blue Bible. I didn't immediately recognize it as Him because in all honesty, I wasn't expecting Him to speak at that moment. I was just unloading and not really listening. When I felt prompted to pick up the Bible, I thought "ok God, I get it. I just need to read the Word more and this season won't seem so trying." Again I felt the still small voice say "pick up the Bible and read." I have to say, I am not one to play the Bible roulette game. You know the one, where you pick up the Bible like a crystal ball and ask God to speak to you, then spin the wheel of chance and just go to whatever scripture it opens to. I don't like that game, it's not intentional enough. If anything, I'm intentional to a fault. So I said "ok fine, I'll read my Bible but can I go get my study Bible or just pull up the verse of the day on my phone?" Again I heard the voice say "no, pick up THAT Bible, the blue one." So I reluctantly did, expecting nothing. As I reached for it for the first time in months, maybe over a year, I remembered that it had one of those little ribbons as a place marker. I flipped to the page that was marked and immediately began weeping. Here's what God wanted so desperately to show me:

"Comfort, comfort my people, says your God. 

Speak tenderly to Jerusalem,and proclaim to her

that her hard service has been completed, that her sin has been paid for,

that she has received from the Lord’s hand

double for all her sins. 

A voice of one calling:“In the wilderness prepare

the way for the Lord; make straight in the desert

a highway for our God. Every valley shall be raised up,every mountain and hill made low;

the rough ground shall become level, the rugged places a plain. 

And the glory of the Lord will be revealed, and all people will see it together.

For the mouth of the Lord has spoken.” 

A voice says, “Cry out.” And I said, “What shall I cry?”

“All people are like grass, and all their faithfulness is like the flowers of the field. The grass withers and the flowers fall, because the breath of the Lord blows on them. Surely the people are grass. The grass withers and the flowers fall, but the word of our God endures forever.” 

You who bring good news to Zion, go up on a high mountain.You who bring good news to Jerusalem, lift up your voice with a shout, lift it up, do not be afraid; say to the towns of Judah,“Here is your God!” See, the Sovereign Lord comes with power, and he rules with a mighty arm. 

See, his reward is with him, and his recompense accompanies him. He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart; he gently leads those that have young. 

Who has measured the waters in the hollow of his hand, or with the breadth of his hand marked off the heavens? Who has held the dust of the earth in a basket, or weighed the mountains on the scales and the hills in a balance? Who can fathom the Spirit of the Lord, or instruct the Lord as his counselor? Whom did the Lord consult to enlighten him, and who taught him the right way? Who was it that taught him knowledge, or showed him the path of understanding? Surely the nations are like a drop in a bucket; they are regarded as dust on the scales; he weighs the islands as though they were fine dust. Why do you complain, Jacob? Why do you say, Israel, “My way is hidden from the Lord; my cause is disregarded by my God”? Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."

Isaiah 40:1-15, 27-31 (emphasis mine)

Oh how often the Lover of my soul has spoken to me through this verse. But this time was different. He drew me to it, pulled me out of my own weariness and reminded me that His grace for me in this season is perfect and unending. This season of life, though full of it's own beauty and wonder and incredible blessings, definitely stretches me out of my comfort zone and into further dependence on Him. And in the middle of it, He constantly reminds me how gently He is willing and able to lead me through it if I will only lean on Him. He knows. He created me in a way that is in constant opposition to so many of the things that go along with motherhood. The mess, the chaos, the noise. But what better refining tool in the hands of a perfect Father than the throes of a life that cannot be controlled or contained? Sometimes it seems like I learn the same lesson every day. He knows. He cares. And He is always right here to gently lead me when I reach the end of my own abilities. Praise be to God.